My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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