Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
