idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
