Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
