I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
