well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
