You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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