i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
bring money and cleavage
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
