I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
