I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
