WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
