Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
pray to the hookup gods
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
