So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
