Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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