my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
did i walk over a car last night?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
