If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
