Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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