Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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