I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
