its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm at about main and main street
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
