I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
