left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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