college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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