one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
