yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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