I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We left the knife in your bed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
