I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
