Moan for me like Helen Keller
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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