I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
