Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
