My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
