dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
