OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
