two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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