Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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