I could make wine with my vomit
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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