My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
