I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
