this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
