Your face is a jimmy john
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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