Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
