i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
