I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
