We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
