How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
