in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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