Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
