The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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