It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
