Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
