just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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