dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
