I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
