she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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