Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
